every other entry somethins different. but its a great thing; it portrays how fucked up my life is.
im shaking so bad i can barely type.
not at school today. i fell asleep on my couch, bright eyes playing on my tvs speakers, i had a dream i dont wish to tell, i woke up moaning with my father over me, rubbing my arm. tears starting coming again, i didnt want them to. he feels my forehead he asks if i took anything. i didn't tell him about the five excedrin, he offers me some ibuprofen, to, you know, sleep easier. i decline; i dont want to pass out in front of my comforting father. he cant see my hands shaking as theyre under my chin. i lay sprawled on the couch for an hour with my eyes wide open. i dont need to blink. i lay there staring at my clock, at my cat, who is sitting at the door as if waiting for it to open for her. i coo at her, she ignores me. i dont blame her. i wouldnt want anything to do with someone as scary as me. so i take to standing, when i do i cant really feel the floor, or my head, or my throat which ached not too long before. i took to walking, but i didnt get too far. i fell onto my toliet seat, my heads spinning far too much. i strip down and shower but i just stand there, my whole body shaking so badly that i cant see straight.
its now one seventeen and im holding to my phone.
i think im going to call you.
why do we do this to ourselves?